How I Stuck to a Carrot-Orange Diet

Many times I have witnessed microscopic insects drop feces on the face of this planet; the look of all the tension rapidly escaping their faces after they squeeze shit out of their bazookas is comical. As if they were dropping the first atom bombs. But having said that.. I have never, ever seen a spider drink water.

So I was deeply immersed in my thoughts when I saw a tiny, teeny-weeny polka dot bikini? No, a tiny spider. Not a tarantula or some king Kong. A really tiny spider. You wouldn’t have been reading this if it were the latter. Although I did imagine that scenario where it had tied me up in a dark corner and was coolly sipping my blood with a very short straw.

It was when I was taking a dump. In an Indian toilet, giving me a very low ground clearance. So I see this fellow fall on the tiles from the ceiling. For a while it lay still on its back, with its numerous legs entangled. I wanted to poke it. Then suddenly, its legs sprang up and then, gently and smoothly, lifted itself up as though it were a backhoe. For a moment it wandered aimlessly as if it had fell on its head and was mighty dizzy. But just then it lowered itself on the tiniest drop of water and – – and I do not know what it did to that drop of water. I could not for God’s sake tell its mouth from its kneecap. It was just so microscopic, dammit. But any person with an eye could have assumed it was drinking that water. It is also possible it was laying eggs in it, but it’s a damn spider, not a tiger. Then, while its head full-of-eyes along with its front two legs were hell bent over the water, came this strong devilish urge in me of squishing it with my index finger. Perpendicularly. So that it looked like eight tiny long stick legs had sprouted off my finger’s tip.

But I also wanted to see how long it took to quench its thirst. For a fellow that small, it sure took a hell lot of time. I almost yawned. I forgot to keep a check on the size of its belly though. How naive of me. Twice it went to two other tiny drops of water, but quickly got done with them. Like it was on some evil mission of poisoning all the water around.

After this animal kingdom extravaganza got over, I discovered how huge a pile I had downloaded under my bum. Sheeyit! It was a new record for me. But this also proved that the byproduct of a carrot-orange diet is not too harsh on the human respiratory system.

Man, how an ordinary fellow like me stole the spotlight from that godzilla of a spider by simply taking a dump is the stuff of legends.