Humor

“I always feel fresh as a daisy when my day ends. Not today though. It was a long & exhausting day. Today I had over-over-overslept, that’s why I was dead tired. So I decided to treat myself by taking a short nap; only after I rested for a little while in a hammock.”

At one market today, which was so crowded you couldn’t reach your arm out, (though how I happened to make my way into the middle of that market is anybody’s guess), a little boy was pulling a goat’s head towards himself by grabbing its horns.

The boy had a wry smile on his face. But the goat was thrice his size. It may well have been a stallion for all I know. They froze in that very stance for a few frightening seconds.

And then the earth beneath them trembled, the clouds shivered, people around them flowed in and out of the frame but the pair stood dead like a rock; like the whole scene was telling me to CAPTURE IT ALREADY, GODDAMN IT!

But bless my cellphone. It is bad enough for talking, let alone taking a snap. God, what is with me and goats?

Many times I have witnessed microscopic insects drop feces on the face of this planet; the look of all the tension rapidly escaping their faces after they squeeze shit out of their bazookas is comical. As if they were dropping the first atom bombs. But having said that.. I have never, ever seen a spider drink water.

So I was deeply immersed in my thoughts when I saw a tiny, teeny-weeny polka dot bikini? No, a tiny spider. Not a tarantula or some king Kong. A really tiny spider. You wouldn’t have been reading this if it were the latter. Although I did imagine that scenario where it had tied me up in a dark corner and was coolly sipping my blood with a very short straw.

It was when I was taking a dump. In an Indian toilet, giving me a very low ground clearance. So I see this fellow fall on the tiles from the ceiling. For a while it lay still on its back, with its numerous legs entangled. I wanted to poke it. Then suddenly, its legs sprang up and then, gently and smoothly, lifted itself up as though it were a backhoe. For a moment it wandered aimlessly as if it had fell on its head and was mighty dizzy. But just then it lowered itself on the tiniest drop of water and – – and I do not know what it did to that drop of water. I could not for God’s sake tell its mouth from its kneecap. It was just so microscopic, dammit. But any person with an eye could have assumed it was drinking that water. It is also possible it was laying eggs in it, but it’s a damn spider, not a tiger. Then, while its head full-of-eyes along with its front two legs were hell bent over the water, came this strong devilish urge in me of squishing it with my index finger. Perpendicularly. So that it looked like eight tiny long stick legs had sprouted off my finger’s tip.

But I also wanted to see how long it took to quench its thirst. For a fellow that small, it sure took a hell lot of time. I almost yawned. I forgot to keep a check on the size of its belly though. How naive of me. Twice it went to two other tiny drops of water, but quickly got done with them. Like it was on some evil mission of poisoning all the water around.

After this animal kingdom extravaganza got over, I discovered how huge a pile I had downloaded under my bum. Sheeyit! It was a new record for me. But this also proved that the byproduct of a carrot-orange diet is not too harsh on the human respiratory system.

Man, how an ordinary fellow like me stole the spotlight from that godzilla of a spider by simply taking a dump is the stuff of legends.

I had slept the whole day. And I was NOT planning on getting up in a dozen more hours or so. But fate had other plans. What happened was that I made the mistake of opening my right eye a wee bit just to let in this dazzling light escaping from the partially-open door of the bathroom. I was dragged off my bed by this mysterious radium of an object and to my utter disappointment or relief, it was only a pair of underwear lying right at the edge of the door. And it was reflecting the tube’s light in the bathroom which some goddamn son of a… I had forgotten to turn off the light.

The undies were drenched, totally unrecognizable. And I was sleepy. Whose were they? I calmly took the liberty of investigating it.

“Ooh Charlie, what’s this? What do you see?”

“I see maroon-coloured hearts on them, over.”(The hell? What’s the point of having maroon hearts on a dark blue background?)

“Definitely not mine, over.”

So I take them to her room (she was not home, obviously) and search for a pile of ready-to-wash clothes — which was in a corner. The pile was lying there like a lump of jelly. There was a lot of pink. I just threw the damn undies on top of the mess without giving a rat’s tail. Bless me! Oh, but then she would have gotten suspicious. (‘What the heck was he up to?’)

“Charlie, we have a problem!”

After a good deal of calculations with a head as cool as a penguin’s, I smartly inserted the underwear in between her another pair of underwear (Lord, another one!) and some whatever-girls-wear. No sweat. Although,  I am usually jumpy when it comes to treasured clothing of the opposite sex, I practically gangnam-styled out of the room and high-fived myself for the job well done. Over and out.

When she got back from work, she went straight to the bathroom and stood there staring at the tiles for a full three minutes. And I, like the dumbest zombie, stood watching her for a full three minutes. And then she looked at me and went straight to her room slamming the door behind her. THADAAM!(How eloquent, mi lady!) I too went to my room and tried to slam the door as hard as I could, only to smash my toe. Anyway, I got back to my mission which I had been planning, ever since I rediscovered radium, all the while this exhausting adventure was going on — sleep.

I smiled as my head fell deep into the pillow (all in slow motion), imagining her immense gratitude for my smooth work. But she wasn’t exactly pleased. Why? I had to choose between leaving the underwear dying in the bathroom, or giving them a fresh breath of life by dropping them in her very room. What would have you done?

It was only long after closing my eyes I realized the blunder I had thundered. And I couldn’t help laughing all night. That pair of undies… well, that was of another flatmate. I guess. Which leaves me with one question – – why did this girl go straight to the bathroom and conjure all that dramarama? Was it simply because I turned off the light?

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? Kill me for saving some electricity and rescuing this world from a possible global blackout.

Today when I got down my building in my Homer Simpson pajamas to buy some fat-free vitamin D-enriched milk, I saw the most extraordinary thing. I saw a guy massaging the knee of a goat. I am not kidding you, children. I honestly did. And to my horror, when I checked the back pocket for my cell phone, it was not there. (The phone, not the pocket. My pajamas have pockets everywhere, just torn in a few places though.) I realized I had missed my only chance to capture this bizarre (even by my standards) spectacle. For a minute or two, I contemplated the possibility of getting the cell phone from my apartment; but by the time I would have gotten back, this goat massager may have had fled. That was some real quick thinking on my feet.

So what was he doing? Was it a ritual or was it a fetish? Any other morning and I would have easily passed this as someone milking the poor creature. Although, goats are worse than furniture in expressing their feelings, I could tell this one did not seem annoyed. On the contrary, it was enjoying the ceremony. (Oh say something, you bad little cow.) I did think of joining in and give the goat’s other knees a go. Or may be ask for a trial from the guy on my own knee. Holy molly, what other animals does the gentleman in question pleasure this way? I waited till the very end to find out whether this was a full body massage.

But while this erotic exhibition was going on, the fact that fat-free vitamin-D enriched milk was rare in my vicinity completely slipped my mind. And that’s how I missed today’s dose of Vitamin D.

Not a day goes when my eyes get hooked by men who stare at goats. Goats with lackluster knees. By the way, you would have been wondering all along, ‘What on earth was the author of this post doing in a land where men massage goats’ knees?’

God, I just wanted some milk.